With their dramatic 6-4 victory over the hated (not really) St. Louis Cardinals, the Pittsburgh Pirates improved their opening day win streak to three. It seems the Pirates can manage the first game of the season just fine, it’s the 161 others that cause trouble.
Still, today is a day for a little bit of optimism, as the vaunted Pirates are now 1-0, and tied for first place in the NL Central. We’ll spare you the “on-pace for 162 wins” joke.
We’ll admit, we followed the game on our nifty MLB iPhone app, and with two outs in the top of the ninth, we had written this one off as a lost cause. And yet, there was our old pal Jack Wilson up at the plate with an 0-2 count(for you non-baseball folk: that’s bad) and the bases loaded.
And what does Jack do? He hits a bases clearing triple to give the Pirates a 6-4 lead. We’ll admit, we didn’t see that one coming, even when the iPhone read “ball in play — runs.”
Special Mention goes to MLB’s super sweet MLB.tv service which, despite it’s awesomeness, apparently dropped its video right as the pitch was thrown to Jack. Everyone watching online missed it. Oops.
Our highlight of the game (from the few innings we got to watch anyway), was the Cardinals’ announcer’s take on Pirates starter Paul Maholm. Of Maholm, he said (more or less): “He’s probably their best pitcher, might be third or fourth for another team.”
Gee, thanks.
Maholm turned in a performance that would make any third or fourth starter proud, going 6 2/3 and allowing two runs. Now if only the Pirates actual third and fourth pitchers can produce like that…
Now, we’re not stupid. We know that, really, the Pirates stole one here, and that far more often than not, they’re going to be on the losing end of these affairs. But that’s another story for another day. Tonight, we’re happy with the Pittsburgh Baseball Club.
Major League Baseball’s opening day is approaching, and We are excited.
Our excitement, of course, is misguided and misplaced because we, like so many other gluttons for punishment, are fans of the woeful Pittsburgh Pirates.
The once proud Pirates have not had a winning season since 1992.
Where were we in 1992?
Well, we were six years old and in Mrs. Donk’s first grade class, wearing our Pirates shirt that our aunt in Pittsburgh sent us in the mail. At the time, this wasn’t an embarrassment do the fact that the Pirates were, well, good.
They had Barry Bonds (yes, that Barry Bonds), Bobby Bonilla, and our all-time favorite, Andy Van Slyke. You know, good players. But those days are gone now (and with them the Clinton administration, SEGA Genesis, grunge music, and Home Alone 2), and the Pirates are on the verge of setting the record for most consecutive losing seasons in American sports history.
Have you seen me lately?
Let’s put that another way: Think of all the consistently bad teams in sports. The Detroit Lions, the New Orleans Saints, the LA Clippers, those types of teams. None of them hold a candle to Pirates current run of suck. The Pittsburgh Baseball Club, approaching 120 years old, has had 17(!) consecutive losing seasons. Let’s not forget that sports defines “winning” as “mediocre,” meaning that you can finish one game over .500, and still call yourselves a winner. Yeah well, that’s been too much to ask for this club over the last 17 years, and barring some great and unforeseen miracle (like, say, the rest of the National League disappearing), that long line of loserdom will reach adulthood in 2009.
Which brings us to our current quandary.
We’re not “giving up” on the Pirates, per se. That little gold “P” will always be # 1 in our heart. However, the fact of the matter remains that by about mid-June (usually earlier), the Pirates are behind in the standings by double-digits, and the only suspense remaining in the season is which few bright spots/fan-favorite players will be traded to a big market club at the deadline (See: Bay, Jason and Nady, Xavier, among others).
Jason Bay made sure to allow this ill-advised photo to be taken before escaping to Boston.
Thus, right around the time the baseball season truly starts to pick up steam, it is irrelevant to us.
So what are we to do? Well, we’re not looking for a new favorite team, but it wouldn’t hurt to at least have a relevant team to…well, be interested in come August and September. A team that might even show up on ESPN’s game of the week every so often.
So we’ve attempted to come up with a list of candidates for our temporary baseball fandom for the upcoming season.
Our criteria includes (but certainly is not limited to):
-The team must have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually winning something. If we wanted to follow a bad team, we’d just stick with the Pirates.
-We’d prefer to have an NL team. The DH is lame.
-NL Central is out. We’re not gonna follow a team in the Pirates’ division. This, unfortunately, rules out the wonderfully named Milwaukee Brewers. Oh well. Also no Cubs, Astros, Reds, or Cardinals.
- Does the team have a cool stadium?
-Does the team have a sweet mascot?
-Does the team have any geographical relevance to us?
-The team cannot be the Yankees or the Red Sox, for obvious reasons.
-And, well, anything else we might think of.
And so after some thorough and mostly arbitrary deliberation, we’ve come up with a list of eight potential suitors:
1. Tampa Bay Rays
Pros: Last year’s World Series runner-up seems like a logical pick. They’re right down the road in shady Tampa, so going to their games would be easy enough. They’ve got a good, young nucleus of players, and haven’t broken the bank in terms of payroll. Their color scheme (Blue and…blue) is also not too bad, you could wear their gear around town without looking like a buffoon.
Cons: Could their bandwagon potential be any higher? We’ve already seen countless people donning their new Rays gear around town, no doubt unaware of the days of Wade Boggs and Lou Piniella. We suppose winning makes that happen, and we certainly can’t blame folks for it, but we think we’d rather stay away. Besides, there’s also that “stadium” they call Tropicana Field (which, as far as corporate sponsors go, isn’t too bad. We love Tropicana), which is not exactly a place to build your summer memories.
Mascot Factor: “Raymond,” a sea-dog, whatever that is, that seems to have no trouble stirring up mischief with opposing players:
2. Florida Marlins
Pros: Again, good proximity to Tallahassee, as Miami is easily accessible for a weekend series. The Marlins have got a decent history of success, having won the World Series in ‘97 and ‘03. Despite this, no one goes to Marlins games — Florida has ranked dead last in MLB attendance over each of the last three seasons — meaning that it would be nearly impossible to be considered a bandwagon fan.
Cons: Well, they play in Miami, so there’s that. And then there’s the dreadful color scheme of teal, silver, and black. We have an aversion to all things teal, which pretty much rules the Marlins out in our book. Not to mention that their mascot is a fish.
Mascot Factor: “Billy the Marlin,” who, apparently, likes roller coasters:
3.Philadelphia Phillies.
Pros: Get Real.
Cons: They’re from Philadelphia.
Mascot Factor: Something called the “Phillie Phanatic.” This video should tell you all you need to know about these clowns.
4. Atlanta Braves
Pros: Again, Atlanta is a short drive. Going to games would be easy enough. They are were owned by Ted Turner, who, despite seemingly great unpopularity, we kind of like. Colors are navy and blue, not bad, and they even do the warchant (or tomahawk chop…whatever) –albeit on an organ, which is kind of lame.
Cons:
Sid Bream scores the winning run of the 1992 NLCS (Robert Sullivan/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images)
Oh yeah. Sid Bream.
Yeah. The Braves are out…
5. New York Mets (is there an NL East theme here?)
Pros: I’ll admit, I’m strongly drawn to the Mets. They’re nowhere near Tallahassee, but then neither is Pittsburgh. And they hail from New York, a city that I love. And they’re also not the Yankees, which as we’ve already established, is immediate grounds for disqualification. They’ve got a good run of success with World Series titles in 1969 and 1986, as well as a good amount of suffering under their belt (Their collapses in 2006 and 2007 are fairly epic). Good players that you’ve actually heard of, and a brand new stadium to boot!
Cons: Well, there’s that new stadium, the appropriately named Citi Field. Citi of course, who is receiving $45 billion dollars of taxpayer bailout money, yet can still afford to pay $20 million a year for 20 years to have their misspelled name plastered all over the field. That’s certainly a negative. And then, there’s the atrocious color scheme. Let’s face it folks, orange and blue doesn’t go with anything. Except jean shorts. And we don’t wear jean shorts.
Mascot Factor: Mr. Met. How can you not love a mascot who: A) Dances with old ladies, and B) Creates his own dance moves to “Jesse’s Girl?”
6. San Diego Padres
Pros: They play in the perpetually awful NL West, which means that they’ve got a legitimate shot to be playing relevant, if not good baseball late in the season. However, given their 63-99 finish a year ago (even worse than the Pirates!), there might not be much reason for hope. That said, they do play in a pretty cool looking ballpark.
Cons: Well, you can’t get a whole lot farther away than San Diego. Trips to home games are, well, nearly impossible. And that park? Yeah, it’s named after a pet store. Petco, to be precise. That just sounds silly. Also, that team has on more than one occasion worn this…thing:
Words fail me.
Believe it or not, they actually have more than one variation. I might have a hard time rooting for a team who does this.
Mascot Factor: Here, friends, is where the Padres make up serious ground. I give you, perhaps the coolest mascot of the bunch, the Swinging Friar. He’s actually making a Frankenstein or somethigng here.
7. Toronto Blue Jays
Pros: We’ve always liked Canada. We’ve never been there, but have heard good things. Something about the idea of a baseball team in Canada always strikes us as a little bit funny, but they’ve won a World Series (one of the few “international” teams to actually do so. And their colors are heavily blue based. We like blue.
Cons: Is being Canadian really a great thing? And of course, Roger Clemens had a stint there.
What a uniform.
Mascot Factor: “Ace,” who is up on his Seinfeld. This video, unfortunately, is not as funny as you want it to be.
8. Baltimore Orioles
Pros: Another city we love, and another one of the few MLB parks we’ve actually been to. Camden Yards is tremendous, so they’ve got that going for them. They’ve got tradition, with Cal Ripken and all. And they also lost the 1979 World Series to our Pirates. This could end up being a good thing, given that the two have a somewhat faint connection, and that the Pirates hold the edge. We also dig the mascot, logo, and color scheme, even if black and orange looks a bit too much like Halloween for us. And apparently, the Orioles used to be the Brewers, which is kind of cool.
Cons: Could we possibly follow a team from the same city as the loathsome, detestable Baltimore Ravens? That, my friends, would take some doing. Also, they play in the same division as the Yankees, Red Sox, Rays, and Blue Jays. Meaning they’re not likely to contend for much besides last place.
Mascot Factor: Creatively titled, “The Bird.” He dances with the beer guy. We can support that.
Okay folks. There you have it. Be sure to vote in the poll, and leave your opinions in the comments. We would love comments.
